TeamCushman

V day has come and gone! While I’m still walking around like I’ve been riding a horse all weekend. Honestly, it’s not that bad, much worse than anticipated. I have a few thoughts about it and some suggestions for those will experience this in the future …

First of all, when picking a surgeon, its best to have that does not look like the young Kris Kringle from the TV show “Santa Claus is Comin to Town”. Another point about the surgeon. I know there are more complicated surgeries out there, but I would rather not have a surgeon with a sense of humor as mine did. Don’t like having a surgeon that puts on the extra telescopic lense on his glasses and says “For you, I need these to make sure I’m heading in the right direction!” All said, the “procedure” doesn’t even last more than 15 minutes.

First the shave. For those that don’t understand, the skin is so loose, it’s like shaving the neck of an 80 year old man with a really lose adams apple. That’s why I decided to go electric. I’d rather be bleeding by pulled hair than by a nick or cut. Your choice, this one was mine.

The day of is when I became nervous. In fact, my blood pressure was 162 over something! I had a nightmare the night before. I won’t gore you with all the details, but that led to my blood pressure being high. Drugs are a must here. The “cocktail” as my nurses called it, left me pretty drunk and buzzed. Sorry, no pictures here. If you want a visualization, think of two bald men sitting next to each other and one cracks open his head and is left with stitches.

Now, unlike Lasik where they use a Laser, Vasectomys are done with a blade.

The frozen bag of peas is a must. No skimping here. As a good friend said “Gotta go for the Birdseye, not the no name brand” I asked the Nurse why frozen peas? her scientific answer was … “because they do a good job conforming to that area of the body. Plus, they refreeze well. I had two bags, not one for each boy, but to switch out easier, made for a nice rotation schedule.

In addition to the peas, you need to wear the whitey tighties. Don’t be a man and go commando after this operation. Don’t even think about boxers, this isn’t about style. Not only did I pick up new underwear to ensure better tightness, I went a size lower. I also wanted to make sure no skid marks from previous wear.

The day of and the day after are important. Timing is important in all of this, so you need to do this on a Friday. Stock up the Tivo or rent your DVDs. You will spend a long time on the couch or the recliner. Skip the bed. You won’t be going up the stairs. If I had to do this over, I would pick doing this during college football season. I had to reschedule a few times, so my Saturday was spent watching movies instead. Guys enjoy these few days. You now have the right to relax on the couch with cow bell in hand.

I’m the kinda guy that has to go a lot. So when I got home and didn’t go for a while, I was scared that the doctor sewed up the wrong tube. My wife, on the other hand, thought that my “ding dong” had gotten smaller. No hun, its the boys, they are just bigger for the time being.

On another note, how could there be a link between a Vasectomy and Dementia?? Go figure! 

In all, not bad. the worse part is no beer and you know what for a while. But its not often we guys get pampered like this, so enjoy ….

These jokes are classic. They were big growing up, became a TV show on MTV and now, my kids have found them. They are harmless, all in good fun. Here are the best of the best.

Your mamma so fat …

1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.
3. she’s got her own area code.
4. when she talks to herself, it’s a long distance call.
5. she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.
8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. she wears aluminum siding.
10. she could fall down and wouldn’t even know it.

***

11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
12. the sign inside one restaurant says, “Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma.”
13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
19. she was zoned for commercial development.
20. when she sings, it’s over for everybody.

***

21. she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen.
22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.
24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy’s word for it.
25. she gets group insurance.
26. she’s on both sides of the family.
27. she can’t reach her back pocket.
28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
30. when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

***

31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
32. we’re in her right now.
33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.
35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
36. her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.
39. when she gets on the scale, it says “To be continued.”
40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.

***

41. she fell in love and broke it.
42. when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet.
43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, “Taxi.”
46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
47. she could sell shade.
48. people jog around her for exercise.
49. she gets runs in her jeans.
50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.

***

51. she eats Wheat Thicks.
52. light bends around her.
53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.
56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
58. she has to wake up in sections.
59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington’s nose.
60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.

***

61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
62. she comes at you from all directions.
63. when she was growing up she didn’t play with dolls, she played with midgets.
64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.
65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.
66. she doesn’t eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
67. Weight Watchers won’t look at her.
68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.
69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled “boulevard.”
70. I ran around her twice and got lost.

***

71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.
72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
73. when she’s standing on the corner police drive by and yell, “Hey, break it up.”
74. she’s been declared a natural habitat for condors.
75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.
76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
77. her blood type is Ragu.
78. they had to let out the shower curtain.
79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.
80. she can’t even fit in the chat room.

***

81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.
82. she doesn’t have a tailor, she has a contractor.
83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
84. she was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade…wearing ropes.
85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it’s light she starts eating.
86. she’s half Italian, half Irish, and half American.
87. when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.
88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, “Okay.”
90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.

***

91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
92. her waist size is the Equator.
93. she’s got her own zip code.
94. she has to buy two plane tickets.
95. she stands in two time zones.
96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.
97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.

99. Her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.